Change.

Trauma changes you. Just like that, without warning, you are changed.

On a gorgeous evening last July, I was radiating happiness from the amazing events of the week. From moderating a panel with key female execs, to chatting with our CEO about our interns to meeting Adam Levine, I was on the top of the world. A lifetime of amazing experiences, wrapped into one single, solitary week. And then, just like that, the sun lit night took a tragic turn.

Driving along a two lane road we saw a motorcyclist approaching us and driving out of control. Seconds later we witnessed the crash. With a split second decision, we turned around to help. For a moment, we were the only other people on the scene. Just us, a lifeless man and a shattered motorcycle with its radio blaring.

Quickly neighbors came out of their homes and an incredible woman stopped to help. She knelt down by his side, while we monitored him and waited for help. He suffered significant trauma and was lying face down in a pool of blood. Images that will never leave me. Just like that, in a split second, your life can end.

As traumatic as this encounter was, I didn’t know what was about occur a few short days later. My mom’s journey with younger onset Alzheimer’s was coming to an end.

Yes, she had been declining for some time, but she seemed stable when I left on a cross country work trip July 21^st. When I landed in Orlando, I received a VM from my mom’s caregiver. She recommended calling hospice back in. Yes, I was concerned and yes I started making plans to return home. This is what I did when my mom was in need -- It happened more than once and I remained calm, I’d been there before, I knew what to do. You see, I was in auto-pilot. Always in action mode and ‘handling’ my mom’s care, but not grieving the mom I had already lost through this devastating disease.

At 10:30am on July 22^nd, my mom died. She died without her family there. She died before hospice arrived to admit her into their care. How could this be? I was devastated. All of anticipatory grief I had felt from the prior five years came crashing down on me. I could barely breathe.

Trauma. Grief. Trauma. Grief.

Dealing with both simultaneously changed me. It made me look closely at my priorities. You have one life. How will you live it? How will your children remember you? Are you living a life that makes you happy? Do you have purpose? Are you living a life you want, or one you ‘think’ you need to live?

I asked myself those questions set out on a new path. A year later, here I sit, in Portland, Oregon. Change is good. Balancing work and family is a must. Doing work that I’m passionate about is exhilarating. And hey, that discount on exercise gear isn’t too bad either!

#justdoit

Fix my feet

I just returned from The Centeno-Schultz clinic in CO where I underwent surgery on both my feet and #regnexx stem cell treatment. The procedure(s) were intense, but I am hopeful they will "fix my feet". My MTP joints were about blow.. After a bone marrow aspirate and stem cell injections, I am hoping my cartilage will regenerate. The docs were surprised I continued to run... #dedicated #HighPainTolerence 

The moment I knew…

My mom has younger onset Alzheimer’s. She is only 70 and is at the end stage of this terrible disease.

My family has a history of Alzheimer’s; both my grandmother (my Mom’s Mom) and my Great Uncle (Grandma’s Brother) were afflicted by this disease. I was in my teens when my Grandmother passed, so I have some memories of her struggles, although vague. My Mom was always worried that she too would fall victim to this silent assailant. I too, worried for my Mom. I don’t know why, but I just always had a ‘feeling’…

My mom was a professional. She was a Project Manager for a large Aerospace company in Seattle. She planned to work until she was 68, so when she abruptly quit her job in the fall of 2007, right before her 63rd birthday, I knew…

From that moment on, I was on a quest to get her help and find answers. The timeline of the progression of her disease is emblazed in my brain, as I too was experiencing life changing events… the birth of my two children.

In October of 2007, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. There was nothing more in the world that my mom wanted, than to be a grandmother. Fast forward to May of 2008. At 32 weeks pregnant, my pregnancy took a scary turn. I was abruptly put in the hospital for monitoring and a potential delivery of a pre-term baby. My mom saw me in the hospital on a Saturday and by Sunday, didn’t remember I had to stay in the hospital, I knew…

At that point, I started to push harder on her to talk with her doctor about her memory loss and confusion. She said she did, and her doctor performed the ‘in office’ memory tests. Her doctor said she was ‘fine’… it was probably depression and anxiety. My mom is a widower you see and well, sometimes people have a hard time transitioning into retirement. Ok, ok I thought, “maybe”, but I knew…

Easter of 2009, my daughter is now 10 months. I called my mom on a Thursday afternoon and told her we were planning to host a casual Easter brunch on Sunday and we wanted her to come. Two hours later she showed up at my house, I knew…

Of course there were more signs, some subtle, some not so subtle.

My mom was an amazing seamstress. She could create her own patterns from a computer program and sew very intricate projects. She loved making things for her granddaughter. Blankets, burp clothes, stuffed animals, among other things. Then it happened, she showed up with a stuffed dog that she had made and the legs were misplaced, I knew…

I kept pushing, I kept asking. The response was always the same ‘I’m fine, my doctor said I’m fine’. More things kept ‘happening’. This isn’t right, I know it isn’t right. I knew...

In 2010 I told mom I wanted to go with to her doctor. Together, we met with her doctor. Once again, the 'in office' memory tests were performed. Her doctor told us ‘she was fine, her mistakes were age appropriate’. I said NO, she is NOT fine, she is intelligent. I shared a handful of examples and demanded a neurology referral.  This experience was very hard. I had to share heart wrenching examples in front of my Mom.  I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this must have been for her to hear. She must have felt scared and invisible.

In the spring of 2010 we saw the neurologist. At this time, I was 7 months pregnant with my Son. By the time we left his office, he told us he was certain it was what we feared. ALZHEIMER’s. He ordered a CT scan and other tests to ‘rule out’ any other causes, but I knew…

From that point on, we have been on a journey that has tested our faith and strength.  In four years’ time, my mom went from living in her own home to hospice care. She spent the last 3 ½ years in assisted living, memory care and now an adult family home.

Somehow, I knew. I think we both knew. What I also know is you have to be an advocate for your loved one. You know them best, you KNOW if there is something wrong. Fight for them

!

I got the boot...

Here's my sympathy selfie. Traded in my running shoes for a walkng boot. I guess when you run nearly 1200 outdoor miles in 24 months, it was bound to happen. I will be taking a "forced" running hiatus while my foot heals. Aqua jogging here I come... 

Getting my run on!

#NWM2013 #werunsf

16th half marathon... 5th time running the Nike Women's Marathon in SF! Another amazing run. 

One last stop!

Wonderful winemaker! 

Wine tasting

Our driver making sure we were safe and hydrated ... #swansonvineyard 

Post Napa2Sonoma Half Marathon

Wine tasting at ten end of the race! 

It's RACE season!

Run, run, run! Girls, let's run and then run some more!

Only a few more weeks until we run the Napa2Sonoma Half Marathon on July 21st! Last year was a blast. The race was beautiful and the weekend with the girls was even better. Look out Westin Napa, we are coming back for another stay!

Then a few short weeks later, we head up to Vancouver BC to run Lululemon's Seawheeze Half Marathon! This is the first time the group has run this particular race, but not our first half in Vancouver. We are excited to check out this sold out race!

Phew... time for some recovery and then onto the Nike Women's Marathon on October 20th! This will be my 5th time running this race! Very excited our group was selected in the random lottery! Go team WeRun4Wine!

Looks who is 3!

Project Bend, OR... The lot is cleared!

Party girl falls asleep during her mani/pedi

This little guy melts my heart!

Tanner 2 1/2

My favorite girl!

Love this girl!! Summer of 2011

40's not so bad!

Fun, Fun girls weekend to San Fran and Napa! It was wonderful to share my birthday with my dearest friend. Hard to believe i've know a couple of these girls since jr High School!

Love this little guy!!

I can't believe Tanner is almost 6 months old! He is such a fun and happy little man. I am a lucky woman.

It is also hard to believe that 2010 is coming to a close. What a WILD ride it has been. The past year has been filled with a tremendous amount of joy, a rewarding career and life challenges that I never imagined.

My handsome little man

Tanner James Novosel

Arrived Friday, June 25th at 10:03am. 8lbs 1 oz and 20 1/2 inches long.

Sweet baby boy!

30 days...

I seriously don't know where the time has gone. I had every intention of updating the blogspot, but just haven't gotten around to it. It is hard to believe that the 'end date' is within site. Baby is scheduled to arrive on June 25th, unless he/she decides to come earlier. Can't wait to find out who has been kicking me!

Pregnancy is a funny thing... people love the belly. Fascinated in fact. Me and my belly have entered celeb status at the gym. Mainly, I think people are in awe that I am still working out. I love the fact that I can still keep up in the DavidBartonGym 'Ass Blast' Class. Thinking it might be a bit embarrassing for those who can't keep up...

148 days until Elle becomes a big Sister

It's been ages since i've updated the blogspot... my excuse? Life is busy, very busy. Oh, and I have been working on my next project. My little incubation has been challenging. It's amazing how something so small, can make you feel so bad. The last 5 months have been a bit of a blur.

I wish I had time to post a better update, maybe on my flight to London?

Ahhh.... such a sweet baby girl.

Elle and Denise - June 2009

Over 900 miles...

Interesting factoid, I was looking at the mileage totals on my running watch and i've run over 900 hundred miles in the last 3 years! OMG! Think about it, i had almost a whole year of no running...pretty much from October 07 thru August 08 there was no running! Wow! No wonder my feet hurt :)

August already?

Where has the summer gone? My days have been packed from dusk to dawn. Between my walking and talking 14 month old and my ever exciting job, time just flows like water...

I never seem to have an opportunity to update my blog. Currently, at a cruising altitude somewhere over middle America, I happen to have a few moments with an inflight wireless connection, so here I go.

I am on my way to New Orleans for the SIGGRAPH conference. It seems like just yesterday that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, but I guess it's been almost 4 years! Seriously, 4 years... amazing. And yes, it is hurricane season, but it looks like we are in the clear. Apparently, it is 90 degrees, but 'feels' like 101... hey, no big deal, it was 106 in Seattle last week! Thankfully, I went from my air conditioned office, to my air conditioned car, to my air conditioned house. Luckily, we are one of the 15% who have AC in the NW.

Over the past two months i have enjoyed the early rising, heart pounding. pavement chasing that is know as the ProClub's 6 AM Boot Camp class- 90 mins of pure workout bliss. Enjoyed it so much, that I have signed up for the next session... August/Sept. I've successfully recruited my fav running partner to join me! I have a new love of hills and BMX bike parks... quote from last week "we are deploying on Monday".

Well, we are starting to decend, so I am signing of for now!

Vancouver Half Marathon May 2009

D & T at the start line of the Van Half Marathon. It turned out to be a gorgeous day in British Columbia. The weather was absolutley perfect for a run through the city and after a long 12 weeks of training, we were ready to hit the pavement.

All went well for me until about mile 9 then my foot started hurting. Worst pain i've ever felt. You know you are in bad shape when you are walking on a decline! I made a pit stop in the medical tent around mile 10 ... made friends with the medical volunteers and then decieded to tough it out. The last 3 miles were difficult, but i was determined to cross the finish line. Nothing like trying to take your mind of pain... strength and courage were the words I kept repeating. Funny, because those are the words that summarize the past year.

Turns out I have a 'bone bruise'... was told to not run for 4 weeks. I lasted about 3 and went out for a couple of easy runs. looks like i'm on the mend.

May 2009

Elle showing off her teeth!

My valentine

Elle 8 months

Week 4

We are just embarking on the 4th week of our 12 week half marathon training plan and all is going smoothly. When I set my mind to something, I am very focused and diligent... in fact, I sent weekly meeting requests to my trainer partner, so she would have the plan on her calendar!

Our long run last week was 5 miles and unfortunatley, I decieded to do my run on the treadmill, becuase it was supposed to rain (the weather forecastor's never get it right). I refer to the treadmill as "treadmill torture". I like to play tricks with myself when I run on the treadmill... I pretend that I am racing the people next to me, I keep a towel over the time, so I don't obsessively clock walk and I replay my favorite tunes on my playlist. All effective tactics.

Well, that's all I have for now...

An update!

I know, I know, I haven't updated this blog in months. Some of my dear friends have about given up on me and have been be forced to join FB to get updates. For those not on FB, here's a quick update...

Yes, I am still happily employed at Microsoft... I got lots of emails and calls last week after the staff reductions hit the newswire.

My quest to return to my pre-prego self has been accomplished thanks to the Zone Diet Delivery, High Intensity weight training and hundreds of minutes on my precor! Now my next challenge... I signed up for the Vancouver BC Half Marathon.... 96 days to train. Should be interesting since i haven't run more than 4 miles in over 15 months.

Any of course, last but not least, Baby Elle. She is great. She is 17 lbs and LONG. Maybe she will be all legs? Her eyes seem to get bluer by the day. She has two teeth...wow, that was fun. She started swimming lessons earlier this month. She is super chill in the water, just looks around and checks everyone out. Hard to know if she likes it, but at least she isn't crying!

My time off is winding down...

Where have the last 5 1/2 months gone? Oh yes, we had a darling little girl!

I am more amazed with her everyday. She is such a sweet, happy little girl. People tell you that you will never love anyone as much as you love your child, when you hear this you say "yeah, yeah, whatever..", until you have a child. Coming from someone who didn't think they would be a parent, I can't begin to tell you how true it is.

The summer was a whirlwind and now I only have 18 days until I return to work. I am excited to go back, but I will admit, it is going to say goodbye to my little girl every morning.

Elle is now 12+ pounds. Hard to believe she started out at 3+ lbs. She has been sleeping thru the night for the past two months. You can appreciate this if you have kids. Sleep is an amazing thing!

So, what did we do this summer??

Post baby shape up and slim down was a major priority (still a work in progress). As soon as I received exercise clearance, I was off and running...litterly. I joined Stroller Strides to help get me moving. Thanks to bedrest and a c-section, I went almost 3 months with out exercising. Stroller Strides proved to be an awesome workout. We did lots of running (hills and stairs) and resistance training. The bonus is you have your baby with you in the jogging stroller.

I ran my first post baby 5K with TK in September. We hit all of our goals... beat our time goal, and only walked once. Yes, this is a huge win for someone who hasn't run for almost a year. Now I just need to start training for a half marathon.

We took Elle to Portland and Hood River. We decided to take a road trip, prior to trying air travel. She did great, so I decided to book a trip to Sedona Arizona. Elle's first "girls only" trip. I definitely wasn't the typical girls trip, but we had a great time. Elle hung out at the pool with us (in the shade of course), we took her on a hike, had some great dinners and even took her wine tasting! Thank you KN for your hospitality. WM, great job on your first "baby internship", you are a diaper changing pro!

And last but not least, we've had the opportunity to spend quality time with family and friends!

Elle is 4 weeks old

It's hard to believe, but baby Elle (pronounced "L") is already 4 weeks old. Especially, since her due date was July 5th.

The last 4 weeks have been a blur. Elle spent the first 16 days in the Infant Special Care Unit at Swedish Medical. It was tough to have her in the hospital, since I was unable to drive for two weeks. Yes, another not so nice C-Section benefit.

Elle is doing really great. She is a happy and healthy baby girl. She is perfect!

It's a GIRL!

Baby Elle arrived on Saturday, June 7th at 8:33 am. She weights 3 lbs 12 ozs and is 16.5 inches long. She is tiny, but mighty! We are in awe with her. She is absolutely perfect!

The journey is coming to an end...

Technically, I have 32 more days to go, but it looks like the pregnancy journey will conclude sooner than anticipated. Maybe as early as this weekend...

It's been awhile since I've updated the blog and alot has happened in last month...

We had a great vacation in Cabo. Definitely a different experience being pregnant, but nonetheless, it was fun and relaxing. Prego in a bikini, lounging by the pool, sipping on non alcholic fruity concoctions. Delightful!

I went back to work post vacation thinking I had 8+ weeks to go before I went out for maternity leave. Lot's of ambitious plans for my final 8 weeks and not enough hours in the day. I planned to work until the end and even had my personal training appointments scheduled thru the end of June. And then...WHAM, I was admitted to the hospital and was put on bed rest for the duration. This is my fourth week on bedrest. It's very difficult to go from being a workaholic, on the go, "I can do anything" type of person to doing nothing. After 5 days in the hospital, I embraced my new job as incubator and have been determined to do everything I can to make sure baby stays healthy.

We hit the magicial 36 week mark this Saturday, so there is a very good chance I will be induced. It's hard to believe that I will be meeting my child soon. Possibly on my birthday... now wouldn't that be ironic?

Stay tuned...

Prego in the City

Prego travel report…

Pre-travel: Woke up at 2:45 am… fell back asleep at 4:00 am, woke back up at 4:45 (alarm is set for 5:30, so there is was no point in going back to bed). 6:45 am…Town car smelling of lingering cigarette smoke and cologne picks me up. Ah… the sensitive prego nose.

Airport check-in:
Get to the airport early, so I can get an aisle seat, the MVP desk told me “it would be no problem to get an aisle seat”. NO Aisle seat. Honestly, what is the point of being an Alaska Air MVP if a 7.5 month pregnant traveler can’t get an aisle seat? And to make matters worse, the check in agent was rude. After being rude to me, she had the nerve to ask me to lift my bag on to the conveyer belt, so I said (in the snottiest tone that I could muster) “I am pregnant, I am not supposed to lift over 35 lbs”. Then I just stood there until she picked up the bag...

In-flight:
Maybe I was tired, hormonal, sleep deprived, or just in a generally foul mood, but the my encounter with the first class flight attendant really tweaked me. I couldn’t use the bathroom at the rear of the plane (bev cart in the aisle), so I went up to first class. The flight attendant ‘instructed’ me to wait in aisle 6, since the bathroom was occupied. I wait… person exits bathroom and another traveler jumps up to use the bathroom. So.. I walk back up there and stand.. again, rude attendant tells me to wait at aisle 6, since first class passengers have priority! OMG!

Prego in the City:

I had quite the eventful trip... here are couple of more excerpts for your reading enjoyment...

Drunk guy tried to pick up on me at the bar at the WHotel bar... now, I know a lot of men aren't detoured by a wedding ring, but what about a wedding ring AND a baby bump? There is a weirdo in every crowd (direct quote from a close friend).

More fun at the W bar...the bartender dropped a bottle of vodka and it went all over me! My face, my hair and my shirt. I guess if I can't drink it, I should wear it?

And last but not least...I was in a taxi that got rear ended. Thankfully, the guy that hit us was going slow, so there were no injuries (except for the bumper). Disaster averted.

Traveling back to SEA:

The flight home is slightly more enjoyable, minus the fact that I had a 7:40 am flight … 4:40 Seattle time, yes, that means I got up at 2:00 am Seattle time! Wait listed for first class, no dice, but at least I had an aisle seat in bulkhead.

Shopping tip:
If you happen to find yourself pregnant and are in need of some fabulous designer maternity clothes, check our Veronique in the Upper East Side. Simply fantastic!

The countdown is on...

I am officially in the third trimester...only 88 more days to go!

Recent purchase:
I am the proud owner of a stroller... i am still in shock (I know some of you are equally as stunned). Of course, I had to buy a jogging stroller (yes, I will get a regular stroller). I did my research and found out that Runners World recommends the BOB Revolution, so that was the obvious choice. My goal is to start running by mid August, so I can train for the Santa Barbara Half Marathon.

Best Quote:
"Last month you looked like you ate a sandwich, this month it looks like you ate two" - I still keep hearing that I don't look that very pregnant, but i swear I have totally popped and am showing a serious bump.

Most disappointing moment:
To add to the list of things I CAN'T do, I found out last week that I can't get a spray tan! No sushi, no wine, NO SPRAY TAN! Geesshh. I shared my disappointment with a friend and she said "well, I am glad to know that pregnancy hasn't taken away your vanity". I will aplogize now to the the pool goers in Cabo.. pale preggo in a bikini.

Babies first modeling job

BabyNovosel3-10-08
Originally uploaded by denisebue

I was recently accepted as an OB test model for a medical devices company. As a test model, the company can use babies images for their marketing material. This is a picture from the little ones first gig. The picure is a 4D image of his/her face. Not the best image, since little one had it's hand up by it's face. Also, it was trying to hide it's face. Any way, you can see quite a bit of detail... the mouth, nose, eyes etc. Baby is almost 6 months in this picture.

Only another 179 days to go...

Wow, that sounds like a LONG time!

I am in my 15th week and I have to say, the last 3 months (almost) have been an adventure, or shall i say blur?

Here's what i've learned...my pregnancy top 5 (for now)

5. Being pregnant is like having a hangover 24/7 (without the fun). I have never been so nauseous in my life. Wow! I am so glad I am done with that phase.

4. Can you say tired? I mean completely exhausted? My two favorite activities were laying down and sitting. I didn't workout for 6 weeks!! Good news... I am back! This week I started working out with a pre-natal trainer. I might even work back up to doing some light jogging on the treadmill, since my doc isn't worried about my heart rate. Figure i better go for it before I loose my center of gravity.

3. Prego brain is a real phenomena... you don't know what I mean? Ask someone whose been pregnant.

2. Having oral surgery while pregnant is not a good idea...(aka tylenol doesn't do much for the pain). To top it off, I had surgery on new years eve (obvioussly, it was unexpected).

1. Most importantly, it's amazing how connected you get to the small person you are carrying. We saw baby moving all around during the ultrasound... lots of hand movements. Sort of surreal and at the same time, emotional.

Oh, for my friends who are far away... nope, I still don't look pregnant (unless you look really really close). I haven't gained any lbs, but I expect to see some scale movement soon :)

There's was more than one baby...

Ultrasound pic 12-19-07
Originally uploaded by denisebue

...crossing the finish line in San Fran!

Yep, that's right, I found out I was pregnant 2 days after I ran the Nike Women's half marathon.

We had our 12 week ultrasound yesterday. SO cool!! Baby is super active. He/She was waving it's hands around the whole time. The ultrasound tech said "you have a drama baby"... must be a girl???

My official due date is July 5th, be the ultrasound predicts 7-7, so we shall see.

Nike Women's Half Marathon

Nike Women's Marathon
Originally uploaded by denisebue

No woman left behind...especially not a pregnant one! This is a picuture of TK and I at the finish line of last weekends Half Marathon in San Fran. Note: this is my second finish line photo.. I did not run in flip flops! Any way, TK is 7+ months prego and was determined to finish this event. Yay T!

What's your favorite power song?

Help, I need your help! My half marathon is less than 3 weeks away and i need help with my song list. So, what is your favorite power song? What makes you run to the top of that hill? What song motivates you across the finish line? What song puts a smile on your face?? Please tell me!